This week's featured story: UP IN DA UTERUS CLUB

The female reproductive system is pretty fantastic. We fucking create life. Think about that. Inside of our bodies, things happen all in sync to create another actual human being. Pretty cool right? Here’s what happens if we don’t create life that month. See, the ovaries are like home base, the egg is at home and she gets a call from her girl like “Hey lady, you need a man! Let’s go to the club!” Men, if you think we take a long time to get ready, that little egg works on her make-up and hair and outfit aaallllll month just to look good for you.

They are all ready to go and she travels down the Bentley Fallopian Tube to the Uterus Club in hopes that the spermy men will be there waiting for her, wiggling around fighting each other for the one special egg to fertilize and begin the process of creating life together. Typical men all fighting for one girl, but we love it when you fight for us.

The egg arrives and there are a lot of nice tissue men there, but it’s not the spermy ones she likes. The tissue is like “Hey girl! I know you’re here for your spermy men, but come hang in the VIP section for a while, we made it special just for you. It’s nice and cozy here, we’ll buy you a drink while you wait, and when they get here you can snuggle up together in our fluffiness!” But after a few drinks she thinks to herself, “You know, I don’t have time for this, this place is really nice but there are no sperm anywhere!!!” So she’s like, “Bye Felicia!” Now the uterus, oh the uterus. Not only is the uterus the actual club, but it also acts as the over protective, pissed off, club bouncer. When the spermy men don’t show for the egg, it’s like “Dudes, this VIP egg traveled all the way over here to this awesome venue filled with nice fluffy tissue that I invited to keep her company, and these sperms are a no show? Fuck this! Everyone out! I worked all month on this place and it’s all for nothing. Every tissue in here, Get. The. Fuck. Out. And if you don’t I am going to shove your asses out.” All the tissue is like, “Nah, she is gonna be back, chill dude, the sperms are gonna show, let’s just drink more champagne and text Derek to come on by too.” So Derek comes by and brings like 10 of his friends, and the uterus is like “I told your asses to GET OUT!!!!! RRRROOOOOOAAARRRR!!!!!! Then it starts convulsing and all the tissue is like “Oh damn, this is some real shit, let’s roll out”. And that, men, is how a period happens.

Mine happens a little differently. My uterus still kicks all of the tissue out once a month but it’s for different reasons. Instead of getting mad, it kinda gets sad. It works and works and works to make a viable venue for my VIP to sit relax and meet some men. Then it waits and waits and waits for the VIP egg to show up. But she never shows. So my uterus is like “let’s keep inviting nicer and fluffier tissue and maybe she will show up.” But she never does. Even if sperm were to show too, they would not find the VIP. Eventually the uterus has so much fluffiness inside that it can’t contain itself, comes to the realization that she is not coming to the club, and gives up. It completely trashes the place and clears everyone out in an emotional outburst, “Nothing I do is ever good enough for her!!!” But once that is over and the place is empty, it stops, takes a few deep breaths and realizes it is too young to give up. It starts over fresh, making a nicer, fluffier venue in hopes that the VIP will show up next time around. Where are the eggs you ask? Instead of turning into a VIP egg and going to the Uterus Club in the Bentley Fallopian Tube, she stayed at home in the ovary and turned into a sad sack cyst month after month. But my ovaries don’t give up either! Every month they still try to make a VIP, it’s just that most months she never shows up to the club. Woman with PCOS may not ovulate but can still menstruate. FML right? The key is to get that VIP out to the club, so I am hoping that one day my hard work will give my VIP enough confidence to show up. I never gave up on anything before, so why start now right?
💗 Jennifer 

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